Always being the person letting friends down. 

So tonight i have a invite out! Ive been looking forward to it all week. Its only a girly night in at a neighbours house but its a night out. 

The trouble is ive woken up this morning full of anxiety and panic. Worrying about the most stupid of things. What happens if i have a panic attack while there how embarrasing that will be in front of everyone. Therea going to be lots of people in a confined space something i struggle with even on a good day! 

So now my head is swimming with anxiety and i dont want to go. 

Im so fed up of being the friend that always bails out at the last minute of nights out and get togethers and never once have i bailed out by admitting its due to anxiety. Ive used every excuse going, the kids are ill, the hubbys late home, im ill, ive got no money, and on several occasions ive not even let friends know ive just not turned up and ignored there calls and texts asking where i am! 
My close friends know i suffer with anxiety so why dont i feel i can tell them its through anxiety ive not attended. Part of me feels they just dont get it they dont understand the control it has over me, another part of me feels they would be talking behind my back at how pathetic i am. 

I want to do these things i want to be social i want to take part in these get togethers but i just cant over come the anxiety to actually go. 

So now im spending the day on edge and paniky. Trying to think of what excuse i can use to get out of tonights get together when all i want to do is scream its anxiety but know that wont be the excuse i use. 

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Finally standing up for myself!! 

So today i finally found the balls to speak up and say im not being used any more! It felt good for all of 2 seconds. 

For months now ive had a friend who ive been friends with for yrs and lately ive questioned that friendship. 

Its always been a case of feeling like im wanted when it suits and dumped when it doesnt ive put up with it and kept quiet about how i feel. 

My feelings have been brewing for a while and ive kept a lid on them not wanting to rock the boat but today saw that boat capsize!

Ive always been the one to bail in and routinly have said friends kids even when ive been at my lowest and struggling theres been no offer of a break from having the added stress of caring for her kids. Its felt like its either not noticed that im struggling or that they notice but dont care enough to thing about what may help me and not themselves. 

Ive hopefully raised my kids to know right from wrong and to speak to others with respect, not to swear and not to bully. If this has made them sensitive to others when they speak in that manner to them then thats fine with me as atleast i know they respect others. 

So today saw daid friends kids knocking for my daughter to play out and as soon as she got out there she recieved a mouth full that they didnt want to play with her and they only wanted her dad to fix there bikes. This then upset her and ahe came in upset. I also herd the kids saying this to her so i know it wasnt just kids tittle tattle. I approached the kids and said that wasnt nice only to recieve a aggressive response of well we dont want to play with her and shes not allowed outside with us. I then proceeded to ask my friend to have a word with her kids about it not being nice and how it had upset my daughter only to be met with the response that my daughter shouldnt be so sensitive. 

Normally i would have just accepted this reaponse and not wanted to cause a fuss. But today i had had enough im sick of never saying what i think or feel for fear of upsetting others and for holding it in and letting it eat away at me. Today i snapped i could no longer hold back how i felt. 

No child should have to feel upset by friends yes i understand that all kids have squabbles and i believe in letting them sort it out for them selves but when its repeatedly and upsets them so deeply it needs a parents intervention. 

This time i sent the reply ive wanted to send for so long the text ive written numerous times and never sent! I replyed with not being suprised my daughter was upset and i would be to had i been spoken to like that and i was sick of it always being blamed on my child being to sensitive. As you can imagine this didnt go down well! But i stuck with it i put my point accross and said all ive ever wanted to say. I didnt back down for the sake of keeping the peace. I stated i would no longer be hosting a weekly crèche and wouldnt be used when it suited any more. 

For a brief minute it felt good i had said all i have wanted to for a long while i had removed the pressure and stress of the weekly struggle of coping with said friends kids i had stood up for my daughter and how i believe kids should have respect for others. Just as quickly as i felt that it was gone! Replaced by anxiety of what had i done i had broken a freindship i had rocked the boat i had gone way out of my comfort zone! 

So now im left feeling that ive lost a friend ive caused my self even more anxiety and ive cut off a life line to the outside world. Why do i feel like this? For a while now its been a friendship of convenience for them and ive let them see me in that light. 

So the question is… is this a step forward in facing what contributes to my stress and anxiety or is it a step backwards by cutting off another link to the outside world! If only i knew how this will pan out b4 i sent that text. 

When your at a all time low and the knocks keep coming. 

So those of you who follow my posts will know ive struggled for many years with anxiety and depression and am currently going through a relapse. 

Something about the last few weeks struggles have made me realise firstly what have been contributing factors to this relapse and secondly just how much of a lonely thing it can be. 

I like to think when i have everything under control im quite a friendly caring person i like to help others and i like to be the person they can rely upon. This has probably been some of the issue with having a relapse ive over done myself ive not said no when i should have and ive spread my self to far with trying to help others as well as dealing with my own issues. 

I love all my friends dearly and would always be there for every single one of them i like to think i notice when they need that bit of extra help or support and do everything i can to help in any way i can. 

I also like to think that each and every one of them would be there in the same way for me. This relapse has made me see that not all of them are!

Of the few close friends i have theres only been one who has helped me have been there 24/7 listened to me not judged me and have done everything they can to help, despite having there own issues going on. 

The others well theres the bunch that just dont bother contacting and have just dissapeared i know some of this is down to them just not understanding or knowing how to help but when your at that low point you take it personal that they just dont care. 

Then theres the friend who starts off saying there here for you and will do what they can to help but quickly becomes frustrated that your not easily fixed. They judge everything you do, have many opinions on what you should do and just dont understand at all. The frustrating thing is they are the person who you thought would be the one to be your sole supporter. 

My question now is can friendships ever return to how they were before? 

Will i always feel that resentment that they wernt there, will i always remember the things they have said that have been so insensitive, and will i be able to go back to being the friend i was before. 

Ive done lots of self evaluation over the last few days and i know i need to say the no word more often. I know i need to put myself first alot more. The problem with doing that is it will change friendships. Where as i used to help in every way i can i need to learn sometimes others need to find there own solutions to there problems, it cant continue to be assumed im always here to help. 

I have a feeling that with out the added bonuses of everything i used to “help” and do not being there anymore i will no longer fit the friend role i used to. 

Anxiety and depression ruins friendships but has also strengthened them. 

The things no anxiety and depression sufferer need to hear. 

So last night saw me deleting my facebook acount in a angry rage. All because of a few words. 

I made a post earlier in the evening about struggling and received a comment from a very close friend someone i thought understood me very well but how wrong i was! It was a simple comment basically telling me i have a million things in my life to be happy about and that i need to chear up and get on with life. The emotions that surfaced when i read that were really mixed i felt angry with my friend for thinking its something i have the controll to just pull myself out of i felt angry at myself for thinking my friend understood, i felt upset that my friend thought i was wanting to wallow in self pitty and hurt that ive had to strike this friend off as another one who just doesnt get depression and anxiety. I wanted to comment back and tell them all that but in typical depression style i just withdrew. Left feeling i cant express myself on facebook without getting negativity i chose to remove it from my life, as simple as that another social tool has been removed from my life. 

It brought me to thinking no matter how much people say they understand how you are feeling unless they have ever genuinly felt that way themselves they really dont understand or have any clue how you feel. Theres so many comments no depression or anxiety sufferer ever needs to hear and believe me over the years ive herd many of these. 

  • Its all in your head.
  • Pull yourself out of it.
  • Theres always someone worse off than you. 
  • Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
  • You just need to give yourself a boot up the butt.
  • You have everything in life so why are you not happy. 
  • What do you have to be depressed about
  • You just need to get out more.
  • You dont look depressed.
  • You will be a better person because of it.

To name just a few. These things are normally said by people who we think understand but then learn they really dont. The impact just one of those comments can have is huge. It makes me fell like they think im enjoying feeling this way! Like i have some sort of control over it. Let me tell you there is no control depression is like a parasite it enters you and takes controll you dont want it there bever asked for it and dam well want rid of it but its refusing to leave. 

I really wish i could do all of the things that are said to me more than anyone but i cant depression doesnt allow it its taken its hold and is refusing to leave. Sometimes i think im winning the battle of killing it but then it comes back with fresh strength and once again floors me. 

So if your reading this and know someone struggling with depression or anxiety take note never to mutter those few words even if your thinking them. Bite your tounge and realise those few words can destroy the person you say them to they can set that person back in a huge way and make them feel alot worse about themselves than thwy already do and it will most definatly make them feel there relationship with you it not worth there effort when you dont understand the suffering they are facing. 

And to those of you who like me get those words said to them. You are doing great you will get through and you will find the support you need with fellow sufferers. We stand united in this fight and hopefully one day we will all win it to. 

When your minds willing but your body isnt. 

Todays proving to be a hard day, i feel frustrated, anxious and tearful. Yesterday i managed to achieve something i havnt done in a very long while. I popped in to a shop well i literally rushed in grabed one item paid and ran out again. It was a spur of the moment decision so i hadnt had time to build up anxiety about it. Yet in the minute it took to run in and out the painc came i literally tgrew the money at the cashier couldnt make eye contact and ran out. A few hours after doing this i felt great i had achieved something ive not done in ages and most of all i had survived it. I went to bed thinking this is the way forward things are improving how wrong i was! 

Today i woke up in a state of panic and havnt been able to shake it off. I have no clue why i feel like this what has happened to change how i felt when i fell asleep to how i felt when i woke. I mean i was asleep and had actually even had a good nights sleep to. 

Im struggling to keep the panic at bay its taking all my energy to remind myself its just panic. In my head i know its just anxiety it cant do me any halm but as much as i know that the physical symptoms are lingering there! 

In my head i want to get back to doing all the things i enjoy, my head feels in a good place it wants to do things but my body is in the complete opposite place. Its displaying all the physical panic symptoms my breathing is irratic despite that im trying to control it, my vision is distorted, im sweating, im jittery and unable to relax all my muscles feel tight, my legs feel like there going to give way at any second. I know its anxiety doing this i know its the fight or flight theory kicking in yet i cant fight it. Wby is my mind being so positive and wanting to achieve more but my body feeling totaly different why cant my mind gain control of these physical symptoms! I wish i knew the answer i wish i could make my mind stronger and over rule my body but today i cant. 

Ive spent the morning trying to fight and am now exhausted so have given in reclused myself to the safety of the sofa and doing nothing, in the effort to get the physical symptoms to calm down. 

Laying here i just feel frustrated. Frustrated that i cant control my own body, frustrated that i want to do more but cant find the fight to do it and most of all frustrated with this anxiety! 

Always thinking of others first.

Today my head is in overdrive i just cant switch it off its jumping from one thing to another but i cant make sence of anything its thinking its like a muddle of thoughts in murky water that isnt clear enough to make sence of. 

Theres a qrgument going on inside my own head i know i need to start putting myself and my own health first but im struggling to do it. Ive never put myself first i like to help othets i like to be the one friends can call in a crisis i like to be the one who does everything for the rest of the family it gives me a sence of purpose makes me feel needed by others even if i dont always feel that way in my head. 

Im scared of saying i need help or me time i worrie that i will put stress on others by asking for help. 

Today is a classic example. Tonight i have my first webinar appointment. Ive been advised by the gp and local wellbeing team to do a 4 week course on trying to help with panic and anxiety. As im struggling to leave the house they have set me up to do it online. I want to do this course im at the point where i will try anything to help ease this anxiety. The issues i have going round in my head about it are it starts at 6pm till 8pm. I need to be able to be in a quiet area without distractions which isnt easy when you have 3 children. 

I feel that its asking to much to be able to do this. I would need my husband to be home from work early to take control of the children this makes me feel im putting pressure on him. Tonight the kids have clubs it would mean he would need to take the baby with him to drop them off and pick them up i feel this would be putting him under extra stress he would need to do all the kids bed time routines to. 

I have no concerns about his ability to do any of these tasks i just feel sheer guilt that im putting stress on to him and guilt that its so i can do something for me. 

So now i have a debate going on in my head that i should forget the course and instead put the family first and do all the usual routine even though i know this is something i really need to do to try and gain some control back. 

Time will tell which side will win the debate in my head. Its like having the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. 

No 2 days are the same in the life of anxiety.

Yesterday was a good day i havnt had a “good” day in a while. I didnt feel the need to blog and get my feelings out so apologise if anyone was waiting for a post. 

Yesterday consisted of staying in my pjs all day and having a clean up. I woke up feeling like i needed to have a good sort out and organise it gives me a little bit of control over the chaos of anxiety. There were no expectations of me nothing pressing to be done. The kids were happy amusing themselves and also having a lazy pj day. Yesterday i felt like i had achieved more in the day than i had in a while. I had a good clean up and sorted a huge mound for charity i cooked a roast and sewed on cubs badges that have needed doing for weeks. I dont know why i felt less anxious yesterday was it because i had no expectations of me was it just a random good day? What did i do yesterday that made me feel less on edge? I wish i knew! The only anxiety i felt was in my head i have recently joined twitter and felt down that i only had a few followers am i not interesting enough for my friends to want to follow me? 

Well today has been totally different to yesterday. Again i had no expectations of myself i have no plans today the kids have after school clubs so i even have a longer day without them home apart from the little one. 

I had offered to watch a friends little one while they attended a appointment something i have done 100 times before something that has never caused me anxiety and something i even enjoy doing! I had zero anxiety about doing this. 

The kids had been playing lovely for a while no arguments totally entertaing each other so no demands from me yet i suddenly got that panic sensation it started with becoming aware of my breathing was i breathing to fast to slow etc breathinhs something that we dont give a second thought to untill panic sets in. Then the vision started to blur making me feel like i needed to lay down, the visual disturbance seems to always panic me even more. I tryed to bring myself down telling myself its just anxiety i try controlling my breathing and closing my eyes i have no clue why or what is making me anxious which then starts the thoughts of is it something physically wrong with me and not anxiety which then makes the anxiety that somethings seriously wrong with me set in. I lay my self of the sofa trying to clear my head and calm my breathing after what seemed like forever i started to feel a little better my vision slowly started to go back to normal, i forgot about my breathing and slowly started to sit myself up.  Eventually i got myself up and walking about even though my legs still felt weak and wobbly. 

Now back home i feel exhausted and still slightly jittery. I hate that i dont know whats caused me to have this anxiety attack that i dont know what is different today than yesterday to cause it. I hate anxietys unpredictably yes i know alot of my triggers and situations that often cause these attacks but not why they come out of the blue like that. Yesterday i felt like i had taken a step forward in getting back some contoll and now today i feel ive taken 2 steps backwards! I can only guess what tomorrow may bring. 

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my posts to follow them and to message me i honestly didnt expect so many to read and especially not from all over the world. I take the time to read and reply to as many messages as possible. Should you wish to follow me on twitter i can be found here @melissa34378743

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Feeling guilty. 

Today has been a good day. Good in the terms that i didnt wake up with that feeling of sheer panic. Its the weekend i have no plans and have no reason to leave the house no my anxieyt has been at a low all morning. 

How quickly that can all change though. The kids have been moaning there bored and no amount of reminding them of all the toys they got for xmas they have to play with has entertained them. 

The hubby then piped up with the we never do anything but stay at home all weekend. He knows we have very little money to do anything huge and as much as i have tryed to be open with him about my anxiety being bad at the moment because he has never felt this way he just doesnt understand i feel he thinks im just to lazy to go out and do anything. 

He suggested taking the kids bowling tomorrow which instantly fills me with panic and anxiety. I suggest why doesnt he take the kids bowling while i stay home and do the ironing and cook nice roast which was met with the moans that we never do anything as a whole family. 

All i now feel is once again a failure. I am failing my family because of my anxiety. I want to be able to do all the cool stuff i really do but right now i just cant. Im struggling to leave the house for the simplest of things and the idea of having to do it with 3 kids in tow is just to much it instantly sets my heart racing and the panic sets in. 

I know my husband doesnt understand i know he thinks i just cant be bothered but the thought of even going bowling the people the noise the bright lights are all just to much. I want to make him understand i wish i knew how to and i wish i could gain back some controll of this anxiety. 

So now the hubbys in a grump that im expecting him to take the kids out alone. Im on edge because hes in a mood with me and i dont know how i can change that. 

All i can think is roll on bed time when i can be alone with my thoughts while everyone sleeps. 

FAILURE!

Today i feel a failure i set a goal i failed to achieve. 

Recently i have struggled with leaving the house, the daily school runs have become impossible just the thought of them sets me in to a panic. Nothing has happened to trigger this i just woke up one morning full of panic at the thought of going outside to do them. So in kicked the avoidance the making excuses and asking friends to help out. Roll forward several weeks and although i have gotten in to a structured morning routine i still havnt managed to actually do a school one instead relying on a close friend to help out. 

Yesterday i decided enough was enough and i needed to face my fear and atleast attempt to do the school run if only making it a few steps. I had a plan in place i was going to walk with a friend to the end of the road and then wave them off and return home which would take all of 5mins to do. 

Fastforward to this morning and although i woke up anxious i still gelt determind to atleast attempt it. With in minutes of waking up it was kicking off between my husband and eldest child. Refusing again to take her medication and shouting and screaming abuse. My anxiety increased, the thoughts of why cant i have a easy life and her just take the meds. The longer the argument was going on between them the more anxious i had become and the more i lost my positive determination to push myself. 

By the time it was approaching time to do the school run my anxiety was at a high i could feel those first feelings of panic rising in me and so i text my friend that today i couldnt push myself. 

I know my friend understands and doesnt give it a second thought but i felt a failure i felt i had failed myself failed my friend and failed my daughter. I felt like they would all think i was just being lazy. I look fine just like every other person on the outside yet on the inside theres a war going on in my head im using all my strength to fight it and its exhausting. I know i need to face the avoidance i know i wont be able to get past the panic untill i do but i just dont feel i have enough fight in me to push myself that far right now. Each morning i wake up and hope that day will be the day my positivity at gaining some controll over the anxiety will return and so far each day it hasnt. Dont get me wrong i feel stronger that i did a few weeks ago and my anxiety had lessened where im not feeling it every second of the day but i just want it to dissapear completly its not welcome i want to evict it from my head like a unwelcome squatter i just cant find a way of letting the bailiffs in to evict it. 

So after failing im now beating myself up on the inside that i couldnt win the battle while on the outside im smiling along and acting as normal as i can.