Today i feel a failure i set a goal i failed to achieve.
Recently i have struggled with leaving the house, the daily school runs have become impossible just the thought of them sets me in to a panic. Nothing has happened to trigger this i just woke up one morning full of panic at the thought of going outside to do them. So in kicked the avoidance the making excuses and asking friends to help out. Roll forward several weeks and although i have gotten in to a structured morning routine i still havnt managed to actually do a school one instead relying on a close friend to help out.
Yesterday i decided enough was enough and i needed to face my fear and atleast attempt to do the school run if only making it a few steps. I had a plan in place i was going to walk with a friend to the end of the road and then wave them off and return home which would take all of 5mins to do.
Fastforward to this morning and although i woke up anxious i still gelt determind to atleast attempt it. With in minutes of waking up it was kicking off between my husband and eldest child. Refusing again to take her medication and shouting and screaming abuse. My anxiety increased, the thoughts of why cant i have a easy life and her just take the meds. The longer the argument was going on between them the more anxious i had become and the more i lost my positive determination to push myself.
By the time it was approaching time to do the school run my anxiety was at a high i could feel those first feelings of panic rising in me and so i text my friend that today i couldnt push myself.
I know my friend understands and doesnt give it a second thought but i felt a failure i felt i had failed myself failed my friend and failed my daughter. I felt like they would all think i was just being lazy. I look fine just like every other person on the outside yet on the inside theres a war going on in my head im using all my strength to fight it and its exhausting. I know i need to face the avoidance i know i wont be able to get past the panic untill i do but i just dont feel i have enough fight in me to push myself that far right now. Each morning i wake up and hope that day will be the day my positivity at gaining some controll over the anxiety will return and so far each day it hasnt. Dont get me wrong i feel stronger that i did a few weeks ago and my anxiety had lessened where im not feeling it every second of the day but i just want it to dissapear completly its not welcome i want to evict it from my head like a unwelcome squatter i just cant find a way of letting the bailiffs in to evict it.
So after failing im now beating myself up on the inside that i couldnt win the battle while on the outside im smiling along and acting as normal as i can.