Yesterday was a good day i havnt had a “good” day in a while. I didnt feel the need to blog and get my feelings out so apologise if anyone was waiting for a post.
Yesterday consisted of staying in my pjs all day and having a clean up. I woke up feeling like i needed to have a good sort out and organise it gives me a little bit of control over the chaos of anxiety. There were no expectations of me nothing pressing to be done. The kids were happy amusing themselves and also having a lazy pj day. Yesterday i felt like i had achieved more in the day than i had in a while. I had a good clean up and sorted a huge mound for charity i cooked a roast and sewed on cubs badges that have needed doing for weeks. I dont know why i felt less anxious yesterday was it because i had no expectations of me was it just a random good day? What did i do yesterday that made me feel less on edge? I wish i knew! The only anxiety i felt was in my head i have recently joined twitter and felt down that i only had a few followers am i not interesting enough for my friends to want to follow me?
Well today has been totally different to yesterday. Again i had no expectations of myself i have no plans today the kids have after school clubs so i even have a longer day without them home apart from the little one.
I had offered to watch a friends little one while they attended a appointment something i have done 100 times before something that has never caused me anxiety and something i even enjoy doing! I had zero anxiety about doing this.
The kids had been playing lovely for a while no arguments totally entertaing each other so no demands from me yet i suddenly got that panic sensation it started with becoming aware of my breathing was i breathing to fast to slow etc breathinhs something that we dont give a second thought to untill panic sets in. Then the vision started to blur making me feel like i needed to lay down, the visual disturbance seems to always panic me even more. I tryed to bring myself down telling myself its just anxiety i try controlling my breathing and closing my eyes i have no clue why or what is making me anxious which then starts the thoughts of is it something physically wrong with me and not anxiety which then makes the anxiety that somethings seriously wrong with me set in. I lay my self of the sofa trying to clear my head and calm my breathing after what seemed like forever i started to feel a little better my vision slowly started to go back to normal, i forgot about my breathing and slowly started to sit myself up. Eventually i got myself up and walking about even though my legs still felt weak and wobbly.
Now back home i feel exhausted and still slightly jittery. I hate that i dont know whats caused me to have this anxiety attack that i dont know what is different today than yesterday to cause it. I hate anxietys unpredictably yes i know alot of my triggers and situations that often cause these attacks but not why they come out of the blue like that. Yesterday i felt like i had taken a step forward in getting back some contoll and now today i feel ive taken 2 steps backwards! I can only guess what tomorrow may bring.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my posts to follow them and to message me i honestly didnt expect so many to read and especially not from all over the world. I take the time to read and reply to as many messages as possible. Should you wish to follow me on twitter i can be found here @melissa34378743