Today my head is in overdrive i just cant switch it off its jumping from one thing to another but i cant make sence of anything its thinking its like a muddle of thoughts in murky water that isnt clear enough to make sence of. 

Theres a qrgument going on inside my own head i know i need to start putting myself and my own health first but im struggling to do it. Ive never put myself first i like to help othets i like to be the one friends can call in a crisis i like to be the one who does everything for the rest of the family it gives me a sence of purpose makes me feel needed by others even if i dont always feel that way in my head. 

Im scared of saying i need help or me time i worrie that i will put stress on others by asking for help. 

Today is a classic example. Tonight i have my first webinar appointment. Ive been advised by the gp and local wellbeing team to do a 4 week course on trying to help with panic and anxiety. As im struggling to leave the house they have set me up to do it online. I want to do this course im at the point where i will try anything to help ease this anxiety. The issues i have going round in my head about it are it starts at 6pm till 8pm. I need to be able to be in a quiet area without distractions which isnt easy when you have 3 children. 

I feel that its asking to much to be able to do this. I would need my husband to be home from work early to take control of the children this makes me feel im putting pressure on him. Tonight the kids have clubs it would mean he would need to take the baby with him to drop them off and pick them up i feel this would be putting him under extra stress he would need to do all the kids bed time routines to. 

I have no concerns about his ability to do any of these tasks i just feel sheer guilt that im putting stress on to him and guilt that its so i can do something for me. 

So now i have a debate going on in my head that i should forget the course and instead put the family first and do all the usual routine even though i know this is something i really need to do to try and gain some control back. 

Time will tell which side will win the debate in my head. Its like having the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. 

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