So its the start of a new year and ive decided that i want this to be the year to tell my anxiety story. Im not sure why i want to share my story maybe its to show other sufferers there not alone maybe its a bit of self help or maybe its just a way to understand anxiety myself.
My anxiety disorder started in 2001. Up untill then i hadnt ever suffered anxiety untill one day bam it just hit me. I woke up one morning just not feeling myself but couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. I called in sick to work at the time i had a job i loved and had never had a day where i couldnt face going in to work. After spending the day in bed trying to shake what ever it was not making me feel quite right i then spent the night being unable to sleep. The next morning came and i had this feeling that i wouldnt be able to function at work for the day as hadnt slept that night so again phoned in sick. This continued for several weeks before my partner gave me strict instructions to visit the gp.
The day came of my appointment and as i reached the front door i felt physically sick weak at the knees and just panicked at the thought of leaving the house. The gp asked lots of questions did blood tests and said he would be in touch with the results. The results all came back clear but i still didnt feel any better i began to worry i was going to have a heart attack or that i had a brain tumor! This is when the gp diagnosed me with anxiety disorder and started me on medication. I had never even heard of such a condition before and back then the internet wasnt what it is now to even research it.
Back home with the medication i started to feel worse but kept it to myself. Before i knew it several weeks had passed and i had been a recluse not leaving the house sleeping in the day and spending the night times watching random rubbish on the tv. Eventually the gp referred me to the mental health team who put in lots of support and helped me to understand anxiety and how to get controll of my life back.
Over the following years i had many ups and downs i like to refer to as blips. I always say anxiety is part of me and my life and 90% of the time im the one in charge but that 10% of the time the anxiety is the boss!!
Anyway fast forward to jan 2017 and im currently in that 10% where anxiety is controlling me!
The last few weeks i have struggled to get through every day even just to function doing simple tasks. I have 3 children 13 7 and 2 so giving in and spending the day under the duvet like my brain is telling me to is not a option!
On this occasion i was slightly blind to seeing the anxiety creeping up on me. Looking back over the past couple of months i can see how ive slowly withdrawn through anxiety ive stopped walking the kids to school instead letting them walk with friends and there children ive stopped shopping in supermarkets insteadd oing online shopping or asking friends if they could just pick this or that up from the shops for me. Ive stopped visiting friends for cuppas and catch ups.
Then bam that panic attack at having to do one of those hit. As hard as i try to fight it that blured vision, feeling like im not getting enough air, feeling to hot, feeling weak like im going to pass out and deaperatly need to lay down to stop that happening, and that feeling like your just not in control of your own body just hits.
I did my normal of drawing back in to myself and saying i just need a few days in the house with no plans and i will feel a bit better but as normal this just made the thought of leaving the house start the panic off deep inside. I start thgoogling what all the anxiety symptoms could be which then makes me think of all serious things it could be.
Eventually after a few weeks and not being able to hide how i was feeling from my husband and friends i decided it was time i needed to seek help so visited the gp which was a mission in itself i bumbled through the appointment just wanting to leave and get back to the security of my own home. The gp increased my medication and said he will see me again in 3 weeks.
Well im now 1 week post that appointment and still stuck in the nightmare of anxiety. I wake up every morning and my first thoughts are am i anxious will today be the day i feel a little better? So far its not been.
So i decided to start this blog to write down how im feeling and how hard doing the simplest of things can be when you suffer from anxiety. I want others to be able to read it and realise there not the only one out there feeling this way that your not going crazy and that it is real.
I plan to update daily like a diary of all the good and bad and the bloody hard struggles just to get through the day in the hope that if just one person reads this and it makes them realise there not the only one feeling that way i have atleast suffered this anxiety and helped someone.
So please feel free to follow this blog.