Todays a tough day and its only 10am. I feel exhausted,drained,angry,upset, and useless.
Today i feel i am failing at being a parent.
Daughter 1 (13) has recently been diagnosed with adhd we have know her whole life something wasnt right and have done nothing but fight to find out the reason why.
As a baby she was never settled always unhappy and always requiring attension. As she grew up it became more and more obvious to us something wasnt quite right. She struggled to interact appropriately with other peers found it impossible to concentrate and her behaviour was erratic.
After many years of fighting we finally got the diagnosis of adhd. Ive always questioned if ashd is a real thing or if its just symptoms of upbringing but i can 100% now say i believe it is real.
After lots of research and advice we decided to trial her on medication. This started in november and although at first had no effect once the correct dosage was found it changed everything. She went from a child who was constantly on the go never completed homework and was constantly removed from lessons for being loud and disruptive to being a child just like her fellow peers she started to enjoy doing homework started to really put the effort in at school and began being able to stay focused and achieve good grades.she started to gain a circle of friends to socialise appropriately with to. fantastic we finally had a reason why she had struggled and there was a solution that worked and really helped.
Roll on a few months and this week has thrown a new challenge shes decided she can no longer swallow the tablets each morning. Every morning has been a huge battle. Today resulting in her refusing yet again and not taking them.
I lay in bed listening to my husband trying firstly to bribe her to take them then getting cross that she takes them and lastly punishing her for refusing to take them.
Said husband then came up to me still in bed and told me i needed to do something about it as he was fed up of the daily battle to get her to take them.
Instantly i got that stressed out under pressure feeling and wanted to hide from the world under the duvet i wanted to walk away from it all i cant deal with it no longer.
My fight has gone ive spent 13 yrs fighting for her. Ive spent the last 2 yrs in a constant battle with her school about them punnishing her for behaviours that she had no control over. Ive spent 2yrs feeling constantly on edge dreading everytime i see the schools number ringing my phone. Ive been broken from the stress and still i battle on to get her the best that i can.
Today i feel i can fight no more ive tried ive really bloody tried so hard to help her to do the best for her ive not always got it right but ive tryed. Ive put so much time and effort in to her that ive neglected the needs of child 2 and 3.
Today this changes today i can fight no more i give up. If she cant understand how important the medication is what more can i do? I cant force feed it to her. Its time i started to use the energy ive used to fight for her on my other 2 who are willing and eager to learn who have ambition to do well and who have missed out of all the attension while ive been so focused on child 1.
May be its time i let her self destruct and find out the hard way for once. Let her fight her own battles and see just how hard it is.
Of course i feel guilty for thinking this way shes my child and my job as a parent is to do the best for her but my best is just not good enough!
So sat here having made the decision to stop fighting for her i feel so many emotions all mixed up i feel numb and cant pull out what those emotions are.
I just know tomorrow will be another day and another day i need to continue to fight for the best for her.