Tears before the day even starts

Todays a tough day and its only 10am. I feel exhausted,drained,angry,upset, and useless. 

Today i feel i am failing at being a parent. 

Daughter 1 (13) has recently been diagnosed with adhd we have know her whole life something wasnt right and have done nothing but fight to find out the reason why. 

As a baby she was never settled always unhappy and always requiring attension. As she grew up it became more and more obvious to us something wasnt quite right. She struggled to interact appropriately with other peers found it impossible to concentrate and her behaviour was erratic. 

After many years of fighting we finally got the diagnosis of adhd. Ive always questioned if ashd is a real thing or if its just symptoms of upbringing but i can 100% now say i believe it is real. 

After lots of research and advice we decided to trial her on medication. This started in november and although at first had no effect once the correct dosage was found it changed everything. She went from a child who was constantly on the go never completed homework and was constantly removed from lessons for being loud and disruptive to being a child just like her fellow peers she started to enjoy doing homework started to really put the effort in at school and began being able to stay focused and achieve good grades.she started to gain a circle of friends to socialise appropriately with to. fantastic we finally had a reason why she had struggled and there was a solution that worked and really helped. 

Roll on a few months and this week has thrown a new challenge shes decided she can no longer swallow the tablets each morning. Every morning has been a huge battle. Today resulting in her refusing yet again and not taking them. 

I lay in bed listening to my husband trying firstly to bribe her to take them then getting cross that she takes them and lastly punishing her for refusing to take them. 

Said husband then came up to me still in  bed and told me i needed to do something about it as he was fed up of the daily battle to get her to take them. 

Instantly i got that stressed out under pressure feeling and wanted to hide from the world under the duvet i wanted to walk away from it all i cant deal with it no longer. 

My fight has gone ive spent 13 yrs fighting for her. Ive spent the last 2 yrs in a constant battle with her school about them punnishing her for behaviours that she had no control over. Ive spent 2yrs feeling constantly on edge dreading everytime i see the schools number ringing my phone. Ive been broken from the stress and still i battle on to get her the best that i can. 

Today i feel i can fight no more ive tried ive really bloody tried so hard to help her to do the best for her ive not always got it right but ive tryed. Ive put so much time and effort in to her that ive neglected the needs of child 2 and 3. 

Today this changes today i can fight no more i give up. If she cant understand how important the medication is what more can i do? I cant force feed it to her. Its time i started to use the energy ive used to fight for her on my other 2 who are willing and eager to learn who have ambition to do well and who have missed out of all the attension while ive been so focused on child 1. 

May be its time i let her self destruct and find out the hard way for once. Let her fight her own battles and see just how hard it is. 

Of course i feel guilty for thinking this way shes my child and my job as a parent is to do the best for her but my best is just not good enough!

So sat here having made the decision to stop fighting for her i feel so many emotions all mixed up i feel numb and cant pull out what those emotions are. 

I just know tomorrow will be another day and another day i need to continue to fight for the best for her. 

A fly on the wall of my own life. 

Recently ive found myself feeling like im a observer to my own life. Im there in person but cant participate in my own life. Once again today ive found myself trying my hardest to interact with the children im there in body physically doing the playing but my mind is somewhere detached from my body i cant think of any imaginative play i have no clue what im suppose to be doing sat with a hand full of playdoh and have no thoughts of what to do with it and how to keep the kids engaged in playing. 

I find this happening in so many daily situations a quick jump in the shower seems to take forever as i stand there having to force my brain to think what i need to be doing its just gone from happening naturally. 

I like to think ive always been quite organised,anxiety has made me that way remembering things and having everything ready the night before so theres as little last minute stress of forgetting things or being late as possible. 

Anxiety has shaped the way i live my life and changed my personality of the pre anxiety me. 

Pre anxiety i lived life on the spur of the moment made decisions on the spot and never dwelled on anything never gave a second thought to anything happening in the future and genuinly didnt care what people thought of me. I was loud, voiced and argued my opinions regularly and wouldnt shy away from an argument. I knew what i wanted from my life and had the drive to achieve it. 

Post anxiety me is a totally different person. I need to be prepared for everything in advance i never accept any spur of the moment plans to visit places. I need to know in advance to give myself time to get on google and find as much out as possible stupid things like where the toilets are where the exits are how busy it will be and how and where i can sit down if i feel panic kicking. I regularly turn down invites out from friends in case that panic arrises and i feel the need to escape. I constantly play over in my head what i think everyone thinks of me and how much im being judged. I put up and carry on in situations i should speak up about often leading me to feel used and expected upon. I still know what i would like for my life but no longer have the drive to achieve it or belief that i ever will. 

I truely believe anxiety changes a person and the entire dynamic of there life. 

When laughter isnt always the best medicine!

As you will all know from my first post anxiety has always been part of my life in varying degrees. Well roll back to may 2016 and i was fairly in controll of it. Thinking ahead to my husbands 40th birthday later in the year i decided to book tickets for us to see the impractical jokers at the london o2 in january 2017 along with a nights stay in a little pub hotel. This would be a extra special treat as we havnt had a night with no children in over 2 and a half years. 

Roll forward to jan 2017 the morning of the show and anxiety is back to playing a huge part of controlling my life again. 

arriving way to early to check in to our room we decide to take a walk to the o2 for a bite to eat. The second i saw the o2 anxiety struck what had i done booking tickets to a place that would be so full of people! As we entered the o2 the panic started to rise so the first restaurant we came to i suggested we eat at trying to hide the fact the panic was giving me that need to sit down before i passed out feeling. Meal eaten we returned to book in to the hotel. 

Once inside the room i couldnt hold my anxiety in any longer the tears started to fall and i had to tell my husband just how much my anxiety had crept back in to my life. He suggested we didnt go to the show in tbe evening but i was determined i wasnt going to spoil his birthday present so i pushed myself. Although the o2 was only 10mins walk i booked us a taxi to avoid having to walk through the crowds of people also making there way there. Que the worst taxi journey ever! We could see the o2 from our hotel yet managed to get a taxi driver who had no clue how to get to it and eventually dropped us off at the station! 

After walking to the o2 as soon as we got near i felt the panic rising it was a cold day but i was sweating buckets so stripped down to a thin top convinced people were thinking i was crazy. We enteted the o2 and the visual anxiety effects started along with that feeling of not having any air and that i was going to pass out it was crammed full of people and no where to move out of there way. 

It took what felt like forever to reach the enterance to our seats having to stop and sit down 4 times along the way. Eventually looking like a crazy person with a tear streaked face hyperventilating and dressed like it was summer i reached my seat. 

As i sat there wearing sunglasses to hide my puffy eyes all i could think was i wanted to get out of there and get back to the safety of my hotel room. 

Eventually the time was there out came joe sal q and murr!! Within moments i was laughing and immersed in the show. Untill half a hr before the show ended when that panic feeling started to rise again. The thoughts of ive got to get through all these people to get out what happens if i faint what happens if i get seperated from my husband and a million other what ifs running through my head. I sat there looking and planning what my escape route would be what was the fasted and shortest way out and getting myself in to a right panic. 

Eventually after trying to contain the panic i looked at my husband and said we need to leave! 

That was it i was on a mission to get out as fast as i could. Ignoring all the signs saying what way we needed to leave i darted down the steps and across the seated ground level to a exit i had worked out woild be the closest to the outside exit. With hubby rushing along behind me i was outa there. 

Having made it out side i broke down feeling so stupid and beyond gutted i had missed the end of the show the guys that can always get me to laugh and smile no matter how down i feel i had betrayed as a fan i had left there show early. 

The next thoughts started to run through my head those guys on stage doing there dam hardest to entertain a crowd of thousands and i had literally ran out. All i could think about was i hope they didnt notice and i hope that if they did they wernt thinking i was leaving as they wernt entertaining enough. 

All the dreams of somehow meeting the guys that make me laugh so much had gone i was never going to get to meet them and the sheer self dissatisfaction with myself sunk in. 

Back at the hotel room the emotions kicked in. How was i unable to enjoy something that i should have been feeling nothing but excitement for. Why was i not normal, how many people noticed the crazy woman running out. 

As i lay there in the hotel room watching impractical jokers on the tv all i could feel was what a huge failure i had been at trying to create what should have been a brilliant birthday present. 

So when they say laughter is the best medicine on this occasion it really hadnt been. 

First diary entry. 

So my first diary entry. Child number 2 has had earache all weekend and requires a visit to the gp. Easy for a non anxiety sufferer but for one with anxiety currently incharge of every move i make not so easy. I woke with that feel of panic knowing i would not only need to leave the house but also have to sit and wait for our turn to be seen. Que the panic feeling just making the phone call to get a appointment! By 8.15 appointment is made for 10.50 panic of booking appointment over but the anxiety of now waiting for said appointment starts. The next few hrs are spent unable to settle not being able to shake the anxious feeling. 

Time to leave for said appointment comes and fortunatly a friend has offered to give us a lift and wait for us. 

The drive there i can feel my heart pounding that thought that im not getting enough air and the weakness in my legs starts. 

We arrive and book in at the very last minute. Trying hard not to show the anxiety i have a battle going on in my head that feeling of just wanting to run and return to safety at home. 

5 mins past our appointment time and im getting the funny vision the sweats and jitters like my body wont keep still but if i stand up i will fall down i send a sos text to my friend waiting outside and then were called in. I felt like i gabbled a load of rubbish about child 2 having ear ache and feel like im ranting 100 miles a hr. Doctor confirms a ear infection and gives us a perscription the second its handed over im bustling said child out the door to the safety of friends car waiting outside. 

I survived it! Nothing bad happens and now i just feel silly for getting so anxious about a everyday thing. 

But i have to somehow now visit a chemist and que to get perscription. I feel exhausted from just the visit to the surgery. So i phone a friend who is heading shopping and get them to collect it using the excuse i dont want to drag ill child out. One thing with anxiety is you do become creative at excuses for not doing things. 

Back home and that exhausted feeling like ive run a marathon is hanging there so i spend the afternoon entertaining child 3 from the sofa. Thankgod she is easily entertained with the tv!! 

Now the anxiety about tomorrow is creeping in child 2 has antibiotics and is well enough to go to school tomorrow but that means i have to get her up and out the house so now i have a battle going on in my head do i let her have another day off school so we can have a relaxed wake up or do i send her in knowing i run the risk of a possible phone call to pick her up from school. Which would send me in to panic mode of having to collect her! 

I have a feeling this debate will continue in my head for the rest of the evening! 

Lets get the story started!

So its the start of a new year and ive decided that i want this to be the year to tell my anxiety story. Im not sure why i want to share my story maybe its to show other sufferers there not alone maybe its a bit of self help or maybe its just a way to understand anxiety myself.

My anxiety disorder started in 2001. Up untill then i hadnt ever suffered anxiety untill one day bam it just hit me. I woke up one morning just not feeling myself but couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. I called in sick to work at the time i had a job i loved and had never had a day where i couldnt face going in to work. After spending  the day in bed trying to shake what ever it was not making me feel quite right i then spent the night being unable to sleep. The next morning came and i had this feeling that i wouldnt be able to function at work for the day as hadnt slept that night so again phoned in sick. This continued for several weeks before my partner gave me strict instructions to visit the gp.

The day came of my appointment and as i reached the front door i felt physically sick weak at the knees and just panicked at the thought of leaving the house. The gp asked lots of questions did blood tests and said he would be in touch with the results. The results all came back clear but i still didnt feel any better i began to worry i was going to have a heart attack or that i had a brain tumor! This is when the gp diagnosed me with anxiety disorder and started me on medication. I had never even heard of such a condition before and back then the internet wasnt what it is now to even research it.

Back home with the medication i started to feel worse but kept it to myself. Before i knew it several weeks had passed and i had been a recluse not leaving the house sleeping in the day and spending the night times watching random rubbish on the tv. Eventually the gp referred me to the mental health team who put in lots of support and helped me to understand anxiety and how to get controll of my life back.

Over the following years i had many ups and downs i like to refer to as blips. I always say anxiety is part of me and my life and 90% of the time im the one in charge but that 10% of the time the anxiety is the boss!!

Anyway fast forward to jan 2017 and im currently in that 10% where anxiety is controlling me!

The last few weeks i have struggled to get through every day even just to function doing simple tasks. I have 3 children 13 7 and 2 so giving in and spending the day under the duvet like my brain is telling me to is not a option!

On this occasion i was slightly blind to seeing the anxiety creeping up on me. Looking back over the past couple of months i can see how ive slowly withdrawn through anxiety ive stopped walking the kids to school instead letting them walk with friends and there children ive stopped shopping in supermarkets insteadd oing online shopping or asking friends if they could just pick this or that up from the shops for me. Ive stopped visiting friends for cuppas and catch ups.

Then bam that panic attack at having to do one of those hit. As hard as i try to fight it that blured vision, feeling like im not getting enough air, feeling to hot, feeling weak like im going to pass out and deaperatly need to lay down to stop that happening, and that feeling like your just not in control of your own body just hits.

I did my normal of drawing back in to myself and saying i just need a few days in the house with no plans and i will feel a bit better but as normal this just made the thought of leaving the house start the panic off deep inside. I start thgoogling  what all the anxiety symptoms could be which then makes me think of all serious things it could be.

Eventually after a few weeks and not being able to hide how i was feeling from my husband and friends i decided it was time i needed to seek help so visited the gp which was a mission in itself i bumbled through the appointment just wanting to leave and get back to the security of my own home. The gp increased my medication and said he will see me again in 3 weeks.

Well im now 1 week post that appointment and still stuck in the nightmare of anxiety. I wake up every morning and my first thoughts are am i anxious will today be the day i feel a little better? So far its not been.

So i decided to start this blog to write down how im feeling and how hard doing the simplest of things can be when you suffer from anxiety. I want others to be able to read it and realise there not the only one out there feeling this way that your not going crazy and that it is real.

I plan to update daily like a diary of all the good and bad and the bloody hard struggles just to get through the day in the hope that if just one person reads this and it makes them realise there not the only one feeling that way i have atleast suffered this anxiety and helped someone.

So please feel free to follow this blog.