Feeling guilty.

Today has been a good day. Good in the terms that i didnt wake up with that feeling of sheer panic. Its the weekend i have no plans and have no reason to leave the house no my anxieyt has been at a low all morning. 

How quickly that can all change though. The kids have been moaning there bored and no amount of reminding them of all the toys they got for xmas they have to play with has entertained them. 

The hubby then piped up with the we never do anything but stay at home all weekend. He knows we have very little money to do anything huge and as much as i have tryed to be open with him about my anxiety being bad at the moment because he has never felt this way he just doesnt understand i feel he thinks im just to lazy to go out and do anything. 

He suggested taking the kids bowling tomorrow which instantly fills me with panic and anxiety. I suggest why doesnt he take the kids bowling while i stay home and do the ironing and cook nice roast which was met with the moans that we never do anything as a whole family. 

All i now feel is once again a failure. I am failing my family because of my anxiety. I want to be able to do all the cool stuff i really do but right now i just cant. Im struggling to leave the house for the simplest of things and the idea of having to do it with 3 kids in tow is just to much it instantly sets my heart racing and the panic sets in. 

I know my husband doesnt understand i know he thinks i just cant be bothered but the thought of even going bowling the people the noise the bright lights are all just to much. I want to make him understand i wish i knew how to and i wish i could gain back some controll of this anxiety. 

So now the hubbys in a grump that im expecting him to take the kids out alone. Im on edge because hes in a mood with me and i dont know how i can change that. 

All i can think is roll on bed time when i can be alone with my thoughts while everyone sleeps.