Always being the person letting friends down.

So tonight i have a invite out! Ive been looking forward to it all week. Its only a girly night in at a neighbours house but its a night out. 

The trouble is ive woken up this morning full of anxiety and panic. Worrying about the most stupid of things. What happens if i have a panic attack while there how embarrasing that will be in front of everyone. Therea going to be lots of people in a confined space something i struggle with even on a good day! 

So now my head is swimming with anxiety and i dont want to go. 

Im so fed up of being the friend that always bails out at the last minute of nights out and get togethers and never once have i bailed out by admitting its due to anxiety. Ive used every excuse going, the kids are ill, the hubbys late home, im ill, ive got no money, and on several occasions ive not even let friends know ive just not turned up and ignored there calls and texts asking where i am! 
My close friends know i suffer with anxiety so why dont i feel i can tell them its through anxiety ive not attended. Part of me feels they just dont get it they dont understand the control it has over me, another part of me feels they would be talking behind my back at how pathetic i am. 

I want to do these things i want to be social i want to take part in these get togethers but i just cant over come the anxiety to actually go. 

So now im spending the day on edge and paniky. Trying to think of what excuse i can use to get out of tonights get together when all i want to do is scream its anxiety but know that wont be the excuse i use. 

Finally standing up for myself!!

So today i finally found the balls to speak up and say im not being used any more! It felt good for all of 2 seconds. 

For months now ive had a friend who ive been friends with for yrs and lately ive questioned that friendship. 

Its always been a case of feeling like im wanted when it suits and dumped when it doesnt ive put up with it and kept quiet about how i feel. 

My feelings have been brewing for a while and ive kept a lid on them not wanting to rock the boat but today saw that boat capsize!

Ive always been the one to bail in and routinly have said friends kids even when ive been at my lowest and struggling theres been no offer of a break from having the added stress of caring for her kids. Its felt like its either not noticed that im struggling or that they notice but dont care enough to thing about what may help me and not themselves. 

Ive hopefully raised my kids to know right from wrong and to speak to others with respect, not to swear and not to bully. If this has made them sensitive to others when they speak in that manner to them then thats fine with me as atleast i know they respect others. 

So today saw daid friends kids knocking for my daughter to play out and as soon as she got out there she recieved a mouth full that they didnt want to play with her and they only wanted her dad to fix there bikes. This then upset her and ahe came in upset. I also herd the kids saying this to her so i know it wasnt just kids tittle tattle. I approached the kids and said that wasnt nice only to recieve a aggressive response of well we dont want to play with her and shes not allowed outside with us. I then proceeded to ask my friend to have a word with her kids about it not being nice and how it had upset my daughter only to be met with the response that my daughter shouldnt be so sensitive. 

Normally i would have just accepted this reaponse and not wanted to cause a fuss. But today i had had enough im sick of never saying what i think or feel for fear of upsetting others and for holding it in and letting it eat away at me. Today i snapped i could no longer hold back how i felt. 

No child should have to feel upset by friends yes i understand that all kids have squabbles and i believe in letting them sort it out for them selves but when its repeatedly and upsets them so deeply it needs a parents intervention. 

This time i sent the reply ive wanted to send for so long the text ive written numerous times and never sent! I replyed with not being suprised my daughter was upset and i would be to had i been spoken to like that and i was sick of it always being blamed on my child being to sensitive. As you can imagine this didnt go down well! But i stuck with it i put my point accross and said all ive ever wanted to say. I didnt back down for the sake of keeping the peace. I stated i would no longer be hosting a weekly crèche and wouldnt be used when it suited any more. 

For a brief minute it felt good i had said all i have wanted to for a long while i had removed the pressure and stress of the weekly struggle of coping with said friends kids i had stood up for my daughter and how i believe kids should have respect for others. Just as quickly as i felt that it was gone! Replaced by anxiety of what had i done i had broken a freindship i had rocked the boat i had gone way out of my comfort zone! 

So now im left feeling that ive lost a friend ive caused my self even more anxiety and ive cut off a life line to the outside world. Why do i feel like this? For a while now its been a friendship of convenience for them and ive let them see me in that light. 

So the question is… is this a step forward in facing what contributes to my stress and anxiety or is it a step backwards by cutting off another link to the outside world! If only i knew how this will pan out b4 i sent that text. 

When your at a all time low and the knocks keep coming.

So those of you who follow my posts will know ive struggled for many years with anxiety and depression and am currently going through a relapse. 

Something about the last few weeks struggles have made me realise firstly what have been contributing factors to this relapse and secondly just how much of a lonely thing it can be. 

I like to think when i have everything under control im quite a friendly caring person i like to help others and i like to be the person they can rely upon. This has probably been some of the issue with having a relapse ive over done myself ive not said no when i should have and ive spread my self to far with trying to help others as well as dealing with my own issues. 

I love all my friends dearly and would always be there for every single one of them i like to think i notice when they need that bit of extra help or support and do everything i can to help in any way i can. 

I also like to think that each and every one of them would be there in the same way for me. This relapse has made me see that not all of them are!

Of the few close friends i have theres only been one who has helped me have been there 24/7 listened to me not judged me and have done everything they can to help, despite having there own issues going on. 

The others well theres the bunch that just dont bother contacting and have just dissapeared i know some of this is down to them just not understanding or knowing how to help but when your at that low point you take it personal that they just dont care. 

Then theres the friend who starts off saying there here for you and will do what they can to help but quickly becomes frustrated that your not easily fixed. They judge everything you do, have many opinions on what you should do and just dont understand at all. The frustrating thing is they are the person who you thought would be the one to be your sole supporter. 

My question now is can friendships ever return to how they were before? 

Will i always feel that resentment that they wernt there, will i always remember the things they have said that have been so insensitive, and will i be able to go back to being the friend i was before. 

Ive done lots of self evaluation over the last few days and i know i need to say the no word more often. I know i need to put myself first alot more. The problem with doing that is it will change friendships. Where as i used to help in every way i can i need to learn sometimes others need to find there own solutions to there problems, it cant continue to be assumed im always here to help. 

I have a feeling that with out the added bonuses of everything i used to “help” and do not being there anymore i will no longer fit the friend role i used to. 

Anxiety and depression ruins friendships but has also strengthened them. 

The things no anxiety and depression sufferer need to hear.

So last night saw me deleting my facebook acount in a angry rage. All because of a few words. 

I made a post earlier in the evening about struggling and received a comment from a very close friend someone i thought understood me very well but how wrong i was! It was a simple comment basically telling me i have a million things in my life to be happy about and that i need to chear up and get on with life. The emotions that surfaced when i read that were really mixed i felt angry with my friend for thinking its something i have the controll to just pull myself out of i felt angry at myself for thinking my friend understood, i felt upset that my friend thought i was wanting to wallow in self pitty and hurt that ive had to strike this friend off as another one who just doesnt get depression and anxiety. I wanted to comment back and tell them all that but in typical depression style i just withdrew. Left feeling i cant express myself on facebook without getting negativity i chose to remove it from my life, as simple as that another social tool has been removed from my life. 

It brought me to thinking no matter how much people say they understand how you are feeling unless they have ever genuinly felt that way themselves they really dont understand or have any clue how you feel. Theres so many comments no depression or anxiety sufferer ever needs to hear and believe me over the years ive herd many of these. 

• Its all in your head.
• Pull yourself out of it.
• Theres always someone worse off than you. 
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
• You just need to give yourself a boot up the butt.
• You have everything in life so why are you not happy. 
• What do you have to be depressed about
• You just need to get out more.
• You dont look depressed.
• You will be a better person because of it.

To name just a few. These things are normally said by people who we think understand but then learn they really dont. The impact just one of those comments can have is huge. It makes me fell like they think im enjoying feeling this way! Like i have some sort of control over it. Let me tell you there is no control depression is like a parasite it enters you and takes controll you dont want it there bever asked for it and dam well want rid of it but its refusing to leave. 

I really wish i could do all of the things that are said to me more than anyone but i cant depression doesnt allow it its taken its hold and is refusing to leave. Sometimes i think im winning the battle of killing it but then it comes back with fresh strength and once again floors me. 

So if your reading this and know someone struggling with depression or anxiety take note never to mutter those few words even if your thinking them. Bite your tounge and realise those few words can destroy the person you say them to they can set that person back in a huge way and make them feel alot worse about themselves than thwy already do and it will most definatly make them feel there relationship with you it not worth there effort when you dont understand the suffering they are facing. 

And to those of you who like me get those words said to them. You are doing great you will get through and you will find the support you need with fellow sufferers. We stand united in this fight and hopefully one day we will all win it to.